The Void
Ironically, the void is the emptiest thing you can be filled with. And it is filling. Consuming, even. The void is also easy to hide; bright smiles, chirpy laughter, pretending, pretending, pretending. But that doesn't make it go away, does it?
I must've been around 8 or 9 when it first dwelled in the pit of my stomach. Post-Christmas semi-existential crisis style of, 'Wow, now I have to do another whole year of this?!' as any normal 9 year old senses, right? I just got on with it, I guess. It wasn't something you talked about or were expected to come out with. Even worse was the idea that people might make a big deal out of it, when in reality I began to wish to just evaporate so the void would become me and I wouldn't have to deal with said void. It's logical to a 9 year old, trust me.
To say it ended and stopped there would be a lie. It swooped in at my highest and was an extra knock at my lowest. Escapism became an art for the sheer fact I couldn't deal with myself, or moreover, I couldn't deal with this void that was taking over. At one point, I became entirely consumed by this emptiness. Getting out of the void any way I could became a lifestyle with self-destructive habits and an eating disorder developing that aimed to make me smaller than the black void. I remember on the phone to my nurse at one point, uttering, 'I'm stuck', fully aware of how helpless I had became.
Yet I got through it. I got through the tears, the thought challenging, the 'if-you-die-you-hurt-everyone-around-you' talks, and even the 'here-is-evidence-they-love-you' sessions that felt nothing but a lie. They weren't lies, though. The NHS don't pay someone to lie to you, they don't have that kind of budget. You see, you aren't merely an island or a selection of land. You are a sky, and when you roar thunder and hurl lightning, you are never only hurting yourself.
What got me through? The reality that even if I didn't believe myself to be deserving of anything, I knew that those around me didn't deserve that; they didn't deserve for me to pass on the void. So I did it for them. I got through one day at a time to save those I loved from hurting. Eventually, I began fighting for myself. I got a taste of contentment, believed it all there would ever be, and figured it enough. That fed me happiness, excitement, life again. And life is good. I know it is.
Some people attribute the void to a lack of meaning in life. Personally, my current void feels unrelated to that. I know wholeheartedly that I have meaning and purpose, and that is, to worship God and love Him and praise Him and spread His word. I love hearing testimonies and talking about Jesus' sacrifice and the Bible in general because it feels me with goodness rather than this abstract emptiness. Yet it still hits me in the gut when I'm walking down a street.
The reason? I may never know. Currently the void feels like it may never end, despite how enthusiastic and full of laughter I was merely a few hours ago. That is a feeling, though. The fact is that it passes. The fact is that emotions are simply clouds that pass. Matt Haig phrased it,
'It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky but - if that is the metaphor - you are the sky. You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.'
So I remind myself that the void does not last forever. My experience tells me exactly that. I reach out to friends who remind me that I am loved, and that they are there. I open God's word and trust His truth; that I am Daughter of the King. And I am Loved. And most importantly, I am Alive.
Take care
'But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.' Ephesians 2: 4-5
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