Still Sovereign

Call me absurd, but I would much rather be drowning in a ditch of stress than be existing in a mundane fog. Currently, life feels mundane, and mundane is hard. It's hard to consider that this mundane patch is contributing to God's plan, that He is going to use this time, and He is still sovereign amidst this. Regardless, that is the truth. He is still sovereign. He still has control. His purpose will prevail, if you will only trust.
I struggle when I cannot see where or why God has me in a particular position or role. I cannot see the fruit of where I am, I lack passion or so much as a care for it, I don't want to be here - yet, here I am. It is not my choice. It is not meant to be my choice. I have no choice. 

Some may consider that to be incredibly suffocating, the idea that you aren't in control of your life. But it is a relief and so freeing. I was never meant to have control. It has never been down to me, and it never will. So when things feel grey, I can have faith that nothing is reasoned by my feelings. If I could I would get up and leave, to be honest. Sitting in Appleby Cafe recently, I was sulking in the fact that I could just drop out rather than finish my degree. Eve piped up and said, 'Al, dropping out isn't an option. What are you going to do?' 

What else could I do, realistically? The only way out is through; my life has only ever reinforced that. When I was in hospital, I wanted to escape. I debated jumping out windows and running. Nowhere to run to, but running regardless. Naturally, my presence in 2018 is evidence that I did not get away from it. I only got through. It is all you can do. 


Now, though, I can run, too. I can run to God. Who else could I run to? Who else would accept me with open arms? When I am the prodigal son, looking for healing rather than the Healer, He welcomes me home. When I am the prodigal son's brother, valuing myself in comparison to what I have done right in comparison to others, He still loves me and forgives me. When I am without faith and trust, He still has faith in me.

So when I sit here, failing to trust God with my purpose and my present, I run to Him. It is hard to live day-by-day with no sense of purpose or reason to live for. Yet, when we turn our eyes from the present pit to the King of Kings, reason is provided. 

Sometimes I fall ignorant to the fact that I am seen. Not in a physical-dance-with-open-blinds-in-my-room sense. But a greater notion. I am so small in the span of God's great commission. I could not matter at all. Yet, unbelievably, I do. When I pray with a shaky voice for just a friend, He provides that. Likewise, He provides reason when I am without. 

Looking up, I cannot despise where I am. The Father did not stand back while we were (and are!) in our mess, waiting for us to pick ourselves up, but He came down and rescued us. Likewise, God doesn't place us somewhere and then abandon us. He is there in the mundane. He is right here

Do I need to see each step of the path? Not at all. Eyes up; eyes on Christ. Looking to Him rather than the raging sea, or the grey mist, He will enable us to walk on the water. 

God does not expect us to be grown, but just to keep growing. And we keep growing by focusing our eyes on Jesus. He is sovereign in the mundane, and He is the Father who comforts a restless daughter. We are the children who cannot resist asking, 'Why?'
Why are things like this? Why should we look to you? Why does it feel like this? Why won't it stop? Why am I not grown already? Why am I here? Why is that person like that? Why is it so hard? Why do you feel so far? Why can I not feel peace for tomorrow? Why is there no light? Why do I have to keep going? Why am I so restless? Why? Why? Why?
He is the Father who never loses patience.
He is Father who answers, 'Because I said so.
Just trust me.'

Take care,

'How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, 'Why was I born?' or if it said to its mother, 'Why did you make me this way?' Isaiah 45:10

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