Andddddd Breathe

Mum is at work. Kyle is at work. I am at home, for once. The not-so-little-anymore pups are asleep. An episode of Brooklyn-nine nine is on in the background with the sound of the washing machine spinning in accompaniment. Aaron is messaging me regarding what seasoning is right for the fajitas (meal option number 2/2 in my student cooking). And for the first time in weeks, I am not exhausted.

I went to camp a month ago as a junior leader and honestly had the best time. God's presence was so known, and seeing children step closer to Him in their own individual ways was absolutely mesmerising. Rushing straight off to Durham to mentor as a student ambassador for two weeks meant that I never caught up on the sleep I had missed. Then, you add more sleep deprivation...

Admittedly, this prolonged exhaustion is not simply based off sleep quantity or quality. Well, not solely.

My introverted aspect of my personality has been massively neglected lately. Gasp, I know, someone as loud as I am can be introverted. And I am. So. Introverted.

People are exhausting. Being patient is tiring. Giving grace zaps my energy. Retaining tired-induced cynicism is enough to sedate me for days. The minute exhaustion hits, I fall down a mountain. Flat onto my face. With absolutely no damage prevention present.

When people begin to drain me, I pull back and into the arms of Christ. As humans, we are made limited. I can only keep going when my cup is overflowing with Him, and I need my alone, quiet time regularly so that my cup continues to spill. But when you're working 17 hours a day, entirely people-based, for weeks consecutively, getting that time is difficult. By the end of two summer schools, I was beyond burnt out.

It is a tiring and challenging job in itself, but my energy, enthusiasm, and my entire will-to-be-alive comes from Christ, and I was not spending enough time with Him to prevent drainage. I was ignoring rather than dealing with the problems hitting my heart. I was frustrated seeing others thrive whilst I remained in a zombie-like state of exhaustion. I was resorting to my old self's sinful trait of bitterness and resentment. 

For the first time since finishing a week ago, I am not quite as exhausted.

I mean, I literally ran out of church as soon as it finished last night in desperation to talk to as few people as possible. But today, I am not quite so exhausted.

I became so drained I stopped looking for God in my day-to-day. Before you judge my lack of Holiness, existing on an average of 5 hour sleep for three weeks stops you from seeing many things - like street curbs, lampposts, and general purpose in life.

A prime flaw in this is that I am guilty of relying on my own strength, rather than God's. I firmly believe that God's plan is what prevails, regardless of man's attempts for control, yet I ignore that His burden is light and His yoke easy. We are not made to rely on the flawed, feeble, weakness of humanity. 

But it's haaaaaaaard. I like to be independent and to hold every victory as mine. Here is where Christ humbles me; without Him, I can do nothing. Through His strength, I can do all things (Phil 4:13). 

With two weeks until Freshaway, three weeks before I return to Durham, and five weeks until term starts, I am re-finding my feet in His strength, rather than in my own defiance. I am learning to lean on the perfect Saviour, as opposed to my imperfect person. I am looking ten times at Jesus for every one look I take at myself. 

He is everything I am not, and more.

Take care

'I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.' Psalm 3:4-5