Guilt-free Pleasures #2
Exam times are a catalyst for guilt. Trying to revise enough, trying to concentrate enough, trying to prove that you are enough. It's a time that it's impossible to be enough. You could always revise more and eat better and know more and be more. After all however, we are still people. And we must be people.
1. Not revising
My exams finished a few weeks ago, yet in organising myself for each day since and on completing tasks, internally I'm thinking about when I will revise and what and how. There is a constant cloud of guilt that I should be revising. But I have no exams to revise for. So it's okay to not revise. Even during exams, breaks are needed. Emerge yourself in fiction and drink tea - it's all good.
2. Eating too many biscuits
Screw "Guilt-free!" snacks. Eat whatever you want. It's better to eat too much than to eat too little, probably.
3. Spending too long in the shower
I used to be a solid 15-20 minute showerer. Reasonable time, minimal effort, no one shouted about how they need the toilet and I'm taking far too long. Now, I can spend an hour in the shower, wasting an entire bottle of shower gel, and just... thinking. My best blog post ideas come from the shower and new story plots and many, many mini pep talks that I need to Keep Going.
4. Having good days
I imagine this sounds bizarre to many. However, on most "good"days I have, I feel undeserving, like I don't deserve to have good days. Additionally, with the chronic doubt, I find myself being tripped up by the fear that I'm making everything up myself; surely, if I've had a good day, this proves that I'm actually cured and just making up an excuse for bad thoughts. Nope. These thoughts are wrong. It's okay to have good days, and it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to just have a day, too.
5. Drinking excessive tea
Hug in a mug. I may continuously run out of sweeteners and perhaps I do waste teabags. That's okay, probably.
6. People watching
More often than not, I prefer to watch the world, rather than be part of it. Perhaps it's the creator within me. Whatever it is, I'm not doing anything wrong through observing. Picturing individuals' backgrounds, building them into my idealistically created universe, shamefully looking away when I'm caught... People watching is a means of relief.
7. Talking
There was a time I spoke minimal words. Blunt reactions, little sound, a lot of fear. Now, I probably talk too much, and despite my ever present reassurance seeking, this is positive. I'm no longer ruled by the thoughts that insist I am not worthy of words, that I shouldn't be heard, that I am a burden. I exist, and I exist loudly. Potentially a bit too loudly...
8. Ice-cream
Previously, I wasn't the biggest fan of ice-cream. It's rare I have any dairy at all since I'm one for soya milk and dairy-free butter. Ice-cream, though, has became a weekly tradition. A tub from Maud's, purchased weekly for the household inhabitants. And when you're given a portion for yourself, well, wouldn't saying "no" just spoil it? Plus, I love trying to order and embarrassingly saying the non-slang version of the flavour, "Err... Atlantic sea salt... Oh, salted caramel?" usually with Gabi, giving us a giggle.
From the time exams began to now, a month after they were pronounced over, guilt has most definitely taken over. However, self-care is more important. Look after yourself, and remember that life is too short to deprive yourself of anything.
My exams finished a few weeks ago, yet in organising myself for each day since and on completing tasks, internally I'm thinking about when I will revise and what and how. There is a constant cloud of guilt that I should be revising. But I have no exams to revise for. So it's okay to not revise. Even during exams, breaks are needed. Emerge yourself in fiction and drink tea - it's all good.
2. Eating too many biscuits
Screw "Guilt-free!" snacks. Eat whatever you want. It's better to eat too much than to eat too little, probably.
I used to be a solid 15-20 minute showerer. Reasonable time, minimal effort, no one shouted about how they need the toilet and I'm taking far too long. Now, I can spend an hour in the shower, wasting an entire bottle of shower gel, and just... thinking. My best blog post ideas come from the shower and new story plots and many, many mini pep talks that I need to Keep Going.
4. Having good days
I imagine this sounds bizarre to many. However, on most "good"days I have, I feel undeserving, like I don't deserve to have good days. Additionally, with the chronic doubt, I find myself being tripped up by the fear that I'm making everything up myself; surely, if I've had a good day, this proves that I'm actually cured and just making up an excuse for bad thoughts. Nope. These thoughts are wrong. It's okay to have good days, and it's okay to have bad days. It's okay to just have a day, too.
5. Drinking excessive tea
Hug in a mug. I may continuously run out of sweeteners and perhaps I do waste teabags. That's okay, probably.
6. People watching
More often than not, I prefer to watch the world, rather than be part of it. Perhaps it's the creator within me. Whatever it is, I'm not doing anything wrong through observing. Picturing individuals' backgrounds, building them into my idealistically created universe, shamefully looking away when I'm caught... People watching is a means of relief.
7. Talking
There was a time I spoke minimal words. Blunt reactions, little sound, a lot of fear. Now, I probably talk too much, and despite my ever present reassurance seeking, this is positive. I'm no longer ruled by the thoughts that insist I am not worthy of words, that I shouldn't be heard, that I am a burden. I exist, and I exist loudly. Potentially a bit too loudly...
8. Ice-cream
Previously, I wasn't the biggest fan of ice-cream. It's rare I have any dairy at all since I'm one for soya milk and dairy-free butter. Ice-cream, though, has became a weekly tradition. A tub from Maud's, purchased weekly for the household inhabitants. And when you're given a portion for yourself, well, wouldn't saying "no" just spoil it? Plus, I love trying to order and embarrassingly saying the non-slang version of the flavour, "Err... Atlantic sea salt... Oh, salted caramel?" usually with Gabi, giving us a giggle.
Take care.
Romans 12:10
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