Exhale

 I am getting better at breathing recently. I know, of all things, at the ripe age of 24 I might finally be getting the hang of it. There is nothing more regulating, grounding, gripping than that exhale. And there is something vital about the consistency in meeting the need to exhale that helps all the more.

I've befriended the Old Durham Gardens route over the past few weeks. I feel desperately alone until my feet hit the grey, muddled ground; until the decaf coffee is in a thermos cup; until I exhale, which, for some reason, seems to be more refreshing on that path. I've walked it daily in the rain, snow, sunshine, general British grey. 

It starts when I get home from school, whip my shoes off, put some more layers on, ring the Mothership (for the daily debrief) whilst the kettle boils and the ground coffee is scooped into the cafetiere (did you hear I stopped drinking instant coffee? because it's become a fundamental part of my identity now, very healthy identity foundation I know). Earphones in. 'On Repeat' Spotify playlist on (can we discuss another time about how we play songs on repeat, they go into a playlist, the repeat lovers like myself play said on repeat playlist... on repeat). And, exhale. 

And, exhale. Again. 

And again.

And again.

I'm not sure it's the physical space itself - although we do love the alpacas and all the other animals there that I don't want to forget in case we hurt their feelings. It feels like a space, time and walk that I really meet God on. But, God meets each of us exactly as we are. He places us and knows where are are, too - although, let's not be ignorant, there's probably something theologically significant or some controversy that I'm glazing over here that's probably fine. I know that God meets me during the morning and evening Lectio 365, and at the prayer roundabout, and in the regular daily moments of teaching of 'I have no clue what to do now'. But there's something about this walk. 

Perhaps it's the repetitive, predictable space; we love daily rhythms and this has been a true joy-bringing, peace-giving one for me. If we're going down the nervous system regulation route, exercise is always good, breathing is highly beneficial, fresh air and sunshine are fundamental. It could be the losing track of time aspect, which is always excellent if your to-do list is excellent; ignorance is bliss. 

What I am sure of, though, is the importance of the exhale. 

In the evening Lectio 365 session it includes an aspect of 'I simply sigh', and then take up God's peace. In my faith crisis last year this would have provoked outrage and frustration because "you can't just hand it over like that!!! It doesn't work like that!!" Now there's somethings freeing about that instead. Some people visualise handing whatever they need into a basket and over to Jesus. I think I simply feel the weight being lifted on the exhale. Notably, I'm not sure what is different in my mindset, or why the exhale helps, or why the prompt to sigh the sadness of the day over to the Lord is so beneficial. But it helps. 

Amidst the mulling, the walking, the exhaling, the words of Rainer Maria Rilke (albeit translated) bring immense comfort; "You sent out beyond your recall... give me your hand."