Some Truth, Self-Feelings, and a Year On

This day a year ago I went through Newcastle Airport being asked if I was headed home because of Covid. I wasn't, but it felt like a great side excuse and plodded on anyway, accepting that all students (all with the stereotypical student look that is, and there were plenty) were seen as leaving because of the virus. It was probably mostly true - from what I can remember, uni classes had already been cancelled and students told to go home anyway. I took nine months out, and it was retrospectively made into a year by the uni (jan to jan); I am so grateful I took that time.

My brain isn't my biggest fan, to say the least. As I've been fighting, mostly crying, my way through that, I reached a pinnacle point of asking myself, 'Okay, Alisha, when do you like - dare I say, love - yourself?. I wasn't referring to anything about self-care, or daily affirmations, or 'things' I like about myself. Instead, when instinctively have I existed and, put simply, not relentlessly despised myself. Because those times have definitely existed, even if in retrospect I want to look through a lens of shame or self-criticism. 

The answer was in the classroom, working with little lives and basking in the joy (and chaos) of their learning and progress, and also the passionate (somewhat caffeine fuelled) energised version of myself who basks in the beauty of the colour yellow and is joyous enough to dance around tesco (mothership loves that, too...). 

If anything, coming to recognise that the passionate version of myself as the one I love is massive progress. I have distinct memories of being told I was 'too loud', or 'too excited', or a person 'has heard this before'; generally being told I was 'too much'. Yet, I have now come to recognise that passion can be power. That girl who goes on and on about accessibility, who has the audacity to email vice-Chancellors and challenge lecturers for their lack of captions or assumed equality over equity for exams, she's pretty alright. And I'd rather be her than to be passive about things that count. 

Yet hilariously I had critiqued myself to a point to pity any child who would have to have me as a teacher because I would be awful at it. There's probably an argument to be had there in itself, but it led to a helpful conclusion.

You can not hate yourself into a place of like, love, or passion. 

Remaining in a place of self-hate is allowing that dark cloud to cloud over where you feel your purpose is, and where you get your happiness from, until it's not visible anymore. 

And no, it's not quite as simple as just choosing another thought or to believe something different about yourself. But you do not have to lie down and succumb to your brain or thoughts. In fact, Christians are called to 'destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ' (2 Cor 10:5, ESV). Essentially, this means to fight it. 

If it does not agree with scripture, then destroy it. And we don't do that on our own. In fact, as Matt Haig once wrote, 'the way out is never through yourself.' You have to replace it with what God declares as good and true. 

Once again, that is never simple. In fact, part of my wallowing cycle was definitely frustration at the fact I knew I wasn't trusting what God said about me which made me hate myself all the more. And I know the counter-argument. I know that I am not big enough to be the exception to what God says, or that I should never have the audacity to challenge the creator of the universe. But how can I know? 

Honestly, God just spoke into that little mess with a simple, 'Alright, A, you're just going to have to take a leap of faith. You're just going to have to fall backwards and let me catch you.'

Trusting and battling are part of the spiritual war, but we have weapons that destroy strongholds; the Spirit of God is available, brothers and sisters who want to love you, and the absolute truth of the Word to fight with. 

Sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith.

And it will circle and cycle as to how effectively this is going; all things ebb and flow, always. Even when it feels like you have returned to where you began, you are making progress, and that counts.

Relating back to my year off, I would never have found purpose in the classroom without that time off, and it is now a prime fuel getting me through final year. So, take the time if you need it - it is so healing. But alas, when it hasn't 'fixed' 'everything', that is also so okay. Sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win the war. And finally, you cannot hate yourself into a place of trust, faith, love or passion. Take the leap to trust what is bigger than you. 

Take care.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 'Go To the Limits of Your Longing'