Sentence?

As a writer, blogger, arts student, I should be able to construct sentences somewhat easily. Right? Uhh... Those people who can write an essay in seconds impress me beyond what I can depict. How do you do that writing thing? Ironic, I know. I suppose I'm comfortable writing here. The expectations are still there, yes, but it's more casual. Academically? I am stuck.

The words are jammed. I could tell you incoherently about the contribution of Samuel Butler to public education. I could explain how what Arnold achieve wasn't really Arnold but the image generated through writers and biographers like Hughes. I could build an image of a changing Victorian society. Yet I have 5 days to construct 2,000 words on that and it is like wading through sinking sand.

Perhaps if I tied myself to my chair, glued my wrists to my laptop, goggles on to only let me write that essay because no I probably don't need another coffee, but then again it would only take 5 minutes and a couple games of Tetris wouldn't hurt that much, right...? To be honest, I probably would still procrastinate the actual forming of words into sentences into paragraphs. It hurts my brain. There is that feeling of success though, when you're at the other side of the sinking sand rather than drowning 20 foot below.

Why, BA student, can you still not write an essay with ease? I wish I knew. It is like stage fright. I long to be a rapid writer with a strong sense of editing and proofreading rather than this long sluggish feeling of 'Does this make sense? Hold on, let me read it forty times before I put a full stop because I'm not sure it's quite ready yet.' I read each sentence so many times that when the word limit is hit I suffer, and I really suffer, through a final proofing, often missing many mistakes (sorry to every teacher and academic reading this!) because I've seen it so many times already. I'm bored of my words. I cringe just as every other person does at hearing their voice on a recording, especially when you realise how Belfast you sound, woops. Perhaps it isn't a verbal recording, but it has my voice in it. It has my sentence structure, my syntax, my effort there. You adjust though, surely, right? In my fifteenth year of education, I haven't quite lost that self-conscious awareness of my work. Nevertheless, I still have to wade through the sand. There are deadlines; time is ticking.

Let's go back to that sinking sand perspective though. If I stopped struggling and floated along with the sand, it would be easier to get out of it, right? Correct me if I'm wrong because I've personally never found myself in a literal pond of sinking sand, thankfully, but maybe I should stop fighting against the essays.

The fact I should be writing an essay rather than a blog post is looping round my head; Alisha, this is not part of the 2,000 word summative. I know. Sentences are difficult. Words are annoying. Referencing is a pain. I'm not doing that right now. The more I wrestle with myself over that, the deeper I get. The deeper I get, the more I procrastinate. The more I procrastinate, the more I wrestle. Ultimately, the less that gets done.

So, I'm going to let it go. Rest. Breathe. Don't do work; do something else. And most importantly, accept it. Take a break. Let yourself embrace one and throw off all feelings of guilt for it. Yeah, you're not doing work right now. Billions of others probably aren't either. Distance yourself from people who pretend they've read every novel on the reading list because they're lying (maybe). Be a p e r s o n before you define yourself by the debt of student tuition and the burden of that student label.

Write your essay when you're writing your essay. Get it done, yes, but five minutes at a time; one word at a time if needs be. Your life cannot be devoted to that mere 40% summative. Stop wrestling with what you 'should' be doing, and do what you can.

Take care

'But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.' Isaiah 40:31