Lessons of Year 2

This academic year is coming to a close; thank goodness and amen. Words cannot truly convey how much I didn't expect to make it here, but alas, grace abounds and lessons have been learnt that should definitely not go to waste. Here are some snippets of the lessons this academic year has taught me. From the end-of-second-year-me to the beginning-of-second-year-me...

1. Shop bought serotonin is fine.

Sometimes our brain chemicals need a little boost and perhaps will always persistently need that. It's alright to stick at what works. Three years on medication is o k a y; don't deprive your brain of what it cannot quite produce itself. People say things about how they don't need it because they're children of the King and made in His image, yet they don't hold the same argument for paracetamol or other medications; just because it's for your mind does not make it any less valid - ignore anything that tells you otherwise. 

2. Less is never more.

Never. You do not gain worth by losing mass. You're going to lose months of your life to this belief and desire and compulsion, and you could keep losing that if you don't accept this truth, so hear it now: less is never more. 

3. Be unapologetically full. 

You will always be too much for people. Likewise, there will be people who you will never be enough for. You can't win, so don't try. Instead, embrace Jesus' promise of life to the full in John 10:10. He says He came so that 'they may have life, and have it to the full'. You can't have that full life on an empty stomach, restricted laughter, minimised personality. 

Let your loud self fill the gaps of the room, even if the belly laugh causes heads to turn. Love people entirely for all that they are and all you see them to be. People will enjoy your fullness of your joy more than they will ever pay attention to the shape of your body. Restricting anything - food, volume, laughter, joy - restricts your life on the whole, too. 

So be full. Take up space, and do so with no apologies. 

4. People will stand with you.

When you cannot muster more than 'I am' to the question of 'how are you?' in church, people will stand with you. When you're crying again, people will stand with you. When you can't pray for yourself, people will stand with you. Let them. Appreciate it. Express that. The prodigal son does not get to decide whether the Father loves him or not, he simply has to accept the love given. Some of the people who insist on loving you (and reminding you of how God loves you) will change your life; let them know that. And let them be part of the transformation.

5. There is purpose.

There'll be a point this academic year when you try beat God at His own game. Don't try and outsmart the Lord, A, you will never win. We try to find every excuse to not persevere at this whole uni thing - missing deadlines, poor quality essays, disappearing into the mental void - but God has purpose for you in Durham. Accept the exec role because you will find a passion you didn't anticipate. Keep pressing into relationships because they will last longer than you expect. Let yourself need people. Trust the times when it seems God has fallen silent. When we go to sleep, God is still at work. 

6. It's not about you.

I know, it has never been about getting attention or being seen or relishing in yourself, but your mind can be all encompassing and trapping. There is freedom in self-forgetfulness, though. You don't carry this weight. None of it depends on you. Eyes don't turn. God does not need your legs to be skinny or your jeans to sit a certain way. Instead, He desires for you to steward what you have and utilise the gifts He has given you for His good. None of this is about me. It never will be. 

7. Feelings do not reign.

Oftentimes you need to do things in spite of how you feel about it. Feelings are temporary and they pass, so don't give them greater importance and status than they deserve. Listen to your feelings, yes, but remember they are not the king of your life. You can acknowledge them and leave them to the side, too. 

8. Healing is not linear.

There will be bad days. And they will be just that; bad days. It doesn't have to spiral or shift or descend even further. Bad days will pass; let them. Endure them. Blips don't have to define your life or where you are going. Sometimes you will fall asleep on the floor unexpectedly. However, the sun will still rise again. Spring is still coming. 

It's mesmerising how we are continually learning and undergoing transformation. This year has been hard, but the joy God fills me with daily now overwhelms any that I had in my own strength at the start of October. We're still learning. 

And thank God, we're allowed to still be learning. 

Take care.

'Everyone who goes on ahead and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God. Whoever abides in the teaching has both the Father and the Son.' 2 John 1:9