Blessings in the Chaos

We’re a week into term 2, yet I cannot stop trying to define what term 1 was for me. The valley? At times. The mountaintop? That too. An absolute disaster? My favourite self-definition, yet not entirely true. First term of second year was the hardest so far at Durham. Yet it was the term with so many recognisable blessings. It was a journey in itself, which got me thinking - isn’t that what life as a whole is? Regardless of how we span the time defining brackets, it is all a journey. And within every journey, there is joy.
 
Last term was:
Not concentrating in lectures. Missing deadlines. Getting extensions. Losing hours in the day. Unexplainable amounts of Tetris. Crying over legs too big or short or arms too long or whatever other flaw I could find. Writing. Considering giving up writing. Doors being closed. Cynicism. Unnecessary guilt. Housing stress. Thinking about dropping out/taking leave/changing subject/dropping out. Being annoyed at everyone who told me I shouldn’t drop out. Crying because I knew they were right. Considering dropping out anyway. 

Yet, it was also:
Answered prayers financially
Answered prayers of friendship
Winning young blogger of the year (yes, Drew, I threw it in, fight me)
Testimony sharing
Relying on a team
Fears faced
Discipleship
Writing
Loving writing
Writing despite the feeling of ‘not good enough to be a writer’ 
Being cared about
Caring for others
Ant’s legendary breakfast pizza
Church family
Trips to Wilko
Post-church spoons
Those fake-Lotus biscuits from Aldi
Martin lectures
Enjoying writing an essay about Christian theology
Bringing God into my subject
Actually meeting a deadline
Speaking in tutorials
Carrying on
New blankets


Truthfully, term 2 has been hard. It’s been chaos. It’s still the journey. It’s been tears and shutting down and running and avoiding and facing it and talking and talking and talking. Sometimes, all we can do is keep going. For me, that often feels like an unending tunnel that could cave in at any given moment, so instead, I’m seeing it as a room. The room is chaotic. The carpet probably needs replacing and sometimes the ceiling leaks (only sometimes). But the cushions are new, and that throw over is my favourite. There are days when I feel like calling for someone to fix that leak, and when the chaos is made a little bit neater. There are days when the best blessing is in staying wrapped in that throw. One day seems productive and another perhaps less so. But, the walls are not caving in. None of it is immediately fixed. None of it needs to be. It’s a room to be lived in, so I keep living in it. And I find the different blessings amidst each day, even from within the same problem-filled room. It will eventually all be fixed - not necessarily in this life, but I trust it will be used for good. Whilst we at in this body, this tent, this room, ‘we make it our aim to please him’ (2 Corinthians 5:9). This room is not my home. But He is still here with us whilst our eternal building in Heaven is being built.

I’m grateful for the friends that have taken me in on hard days and made me sweet cups of tea without making me talk about what’s going on. I’m grateful for the precious yellow-fan who willingly steps into my chaos with love and care and patience. I’m grateful for the God who keeps giving me more undeserved grace. 
What blessings are there in your chaos?

Lord, thank you for the blessings in the chaos. 

‘Out of his fullness we have all received grace upon grace.’ John 1:16.

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