Over and Over and Over

The entire basis of obsessive compulsive disorder is the inability to stop. Well, a lack of natural skill to stop and let go. It is not easy for me to let go of any thought that comes into my head. It is not easy for me to stop a compulsion or prevent myself carrying one out. It is not easy to get out of the loop. Alas, however, it is possible. Difficult, but possible.

My mind is obsessive about almost everything. I do not make a variety of different meals because I eat the same one until I'm reeled away from it for something else. I do not stop watching a TV series until it has been buried and I'm entirely certain on each characters' Myers-Briggs personality type. I do not do 'grey' well. Finding the middle ground is tough.

Whilst I take daily medication to make it easier for my mind to stop looping and I know every CBT skill book backwards, it is still difficult. For OCD, exposure and response prevention is quite literally a daily task and the only means of recovery. The minute I let myself fall into a compulsion again I'm back at square one. Despite that, two steps forward and one back is still going forwards.

Specifically, I have a horrendous tendency to check. It's not life impairing, so it's not that bad. But I am a checker. I check whether people like me and feel nauseous if the last word leaving the house is not 'Love you too' from the mothership (love you mothership). I check if people have been active on Facebook to make sure they're somewhat active and so most likely alive. I check if people are okay. I check if they definitely are okay. I check until they aren't okay with me asking if they are okay. The worst of all, I reckon, for me.

The silly disorder that has ruled my life tells me I am Responsible. Not a responsible person because that would be Too Much - someone might trust me and then I would lose their keys and drop their phone down the toilet. Rather, the weight of the whole entire big big wide universe belongs on my shoulders. So far from the truth. Mostly because I have a really great God who can hold a lot more than I can, and He is God, not me. But also because I am a 19 year old student drowning in coffee and an ever growing reading list. I don't have it together enough to be responsible for everyone and everything.

It's not how it is, but it is how my mind tries to make me think. You can have a thought and not think it, though.

There's a bit in the drama 'Waiting for Godot' that breaks my heart and made me finally realise that thoughts are not facts or limitations on us. Estragon comments, 'I can't go on like this' which Vladimir replies to with, 'That's what you think.' They go on. They are heroic characters as they keep waiting for the figure of Godot despite believing they cannot do it. But they do. Every day you get up thinking you cannot do it, you are being your own hero by doing it. Let your thoughts be thoughts, and more importantly, let your thoughts be wrong.

Recently, I've buried myself in compulsive checking. There are an array of compulsions consuming me, including taking certain steps, clicking my fingers, reassurance seeking, but checking is dragging my brain the most. You see, when you're responsible for something, you want it to go well, right? My mind thinks I am responsible for the safety of others and for their happiness. So I check. I ask if they are okay. I try fix their problems. I check again. I suggest some things. I check again. I lock my phone. Unlock it again to check if they're active on Facebook Messenger. I go to Twitter, re-read their tweets. Lock my phone, thinking that's enough. I get a message, not from said person. But I go to Facebook chat anyway, just to see if they have been on. I check their Snapchat story in case they've asked for help there. I refresh my emails, as if they would email me. I put my phone in my bag. Open a book. Read two lines. Get out my phone and check their status. What if something bad is happening and I'm not there for them? Message, again, in case they need something and haven't asked. Try to read some more. Ask another friend if said person is okay.

It does not stop.

It's not that I wish to waste my life on social media, it's that my brain is set to a default of doubt. Yet, it is not helpful, for me or anyone else. Now, I'm going to work on it. I have my selection of self-coping statements that remind me:

• My thoughts are not always my friend.
• This is anxiety. It has happened before and it has passed; it will this time. 
• My mind lies to me.
• This is a normal reaction. It is okay. 
• Thoughts are just thoughts. 
• Feelings are not factual. 
• God can do more than I can, so focus on Him. 

This attempt may only be a small one and a minor insight into the sheer fight it goes into in tackling OCD. However, it is possible. I cannot stop the thoughts, but I can break the loop. You have the power to take your life back from your disorder. You deserve more than suffering, and you are not helpless. 

Take care

'For God is not a God of disorder but of peace - as in all the congregations of the Lord's people.' 1 Corinthians 14:33